As if I don’t have enough problems. The goddamn Steelers are world champions and the Steeler Nation will become even more unbearable, if such a thing is possible.

But I can’t let that stop me. We’re on a fucking roll.

Internet Icon Dave McAwesome joins our Ranks this week with not one, but two shitty blogs. You’ll have to bear with Dave, he’s just come out of a long period of denial. For the longest time, he refused to admit that his site, Maximum Awesome, was a blog and that he was just another Shitty Blogger. This week Dave stands before us and says, “My name is Dave and I’m a Shitty Blogger.”

So, join me in saying, “Hi Dave.”
There is plenty of coffee and we’ll all go out for a smoke when we are done here. But please, no hugging.
I mean it.

Now that Dave has come clean, he’s added another shitty blog to the mix, Crap or Not Crap. The Shitty Blogs Club was found to be Not Crap. Okay, maybe Dave still suffers some denial.

Keep those memberships rolling in and someone should wake up those missing members. I’m sure they wouldn’t want to miss this.

Be Proud. Be Shitty!

I had a membership drive and actually gained members.

I KNOW!

I’m as shocked as you are.

Please welcome Chad and Kewl. They blog. They’re not necessarily good at it.

And while I’m at it… where the hell is Gus Greeper? And CJ Hixon? Shouldn’t they be here. I think they should be.

Mango is not impressed with yet another revival of the SBC. I guess I should call the whole thing off.

Whatever.

I don’t care. This is stupid, I know that. I mean think about it… it’s called the Shitty Blogs Club. OF COURSE IT IS STUPID!

It’s simple. Sign up or not. Put a button on your blog or not. Listen to Shitty Blog Radio… or not. Talk shit in the forums… or… you guessed… or not.

I’m disappointed. I mentioned Survivor and Monty didn’t even flinch. Maybe she’s to good for us now. Or perhaps, I’ve teased the survivor thing one to many times.

Keep those new members coming. And Be Proud. Be Shitty!

(A rabid monkey, hopped on caffeine will be standing by to take your call.)

Do you know what I hate?

Well besides clowns, women drivers, rednecks, Starbucks, Work, winter, political correctness, mommy bloggers, sitcoms, country music, New Year’s Resolutions, Birthday Parties, Nascar…

Okay, you get the point.

I hate it when I hear the ‘Media’ talk about blogging. They always reduce it to some form of amateur journalism. Sure there are some bloggers who have used the medium in just that way, and hats off to them. But I don’t think that does blogging justice. I think plenty of people blog just cause they feel like they have something to say.

They may not how to say it, or even what exactly it is. Yet they try to say it.

To me this is, at the same time, what is great and awful about blogging. Literally, millions of people who may or may not have any ability to write; who may or may not have any idea what they want to say; who may or may not have even thought out what it is they are trying to do.

Chances are that they ran across a blog or had a friend that blogs or read about it somewhere and thought to themselves, I can do this… I should do this!

It’s not hard to set one up, you can do it for free, there is nothing stopping you. And so they set them up. And then they blog, whatever that means.

The resultant blogs are as varied as the people who ‘write’ them. These blogs, more often than not, don’t provide some useful or necessary information. They aren’t well written and edited masterpieces. They just are. Occasionally, something wonderful comes out, but mostly it just is.

That’s where the Shitty Blogs Club comes in. We not only understand this, we embrace it. We think blogging is just like life: occasionally interesting, but mostly shitty. On any given day most blogs are shitty. They have more meme than content. They are just plain neglected. They are whiny. They have more style than content. They have more content than style. Some bloggers will get defensive. “My Blog is a big Deal! It is an award winning blog! It is going to a)bring in ad revenue b) land me a book deal c) bring me fame and fortune or d) some other unlikely goal.”

But many of us get it. We know that this blogging is just something we do for good, bad or (most likely) ugly.

This club is for those who get it.

If you join this club, I personally promise that it will never help you make a dime, it will not increase your traffic or SEO, it will never get you noticed by editors, publishers or the Media.

There is only one reason to join this club. It’s to make a stand and say to the so-called blogosphere: I have a blog and it is mostly shitty, and I am proud of it.

This club has been, erm, dormant for a while. It’s time to kick some life back into it. Existing members: recruit new members! You surely know some bloggers who ‘get it,’ send them here! Potential new members: Read the FAQ and then read this. If you still want to join, go here.

Once you are a member, you can enjoy then benefits of Membership: Not listening to Shitty Blog Radio; not posting in the forum; not buying Shitty Blog stuff; and not participating in games and contests.

Be Proud. Be Shitty!

So I see this woman walking her dog today. It’s a very McNeighborhood kind of suburban development, with the walking trails and the tennis courts and crap. (I don’t live there, I live a few blocks toward the East Side.)

Anyway. So she’s wearing this fucking sombrero. And I see her, and I think, dude, a fucking sombrero? Then, like the freak I am, I make a few stealth maneuvers in the minivan, and snap this with my phone.

I emailed  it to ping.fm, because that is the easiest way to get a picture from the phone to plurk at the moment. It went to twitter and got no response (expected), and to plurk, where it got one response (unexpected). But, that ping to plurk method does require people to click on a link, and they don’t want to, or are mobile, or whatever, and I get that. That’s ok.

But. I worked too hard for that, man. I made a seventeen point turn in the van and managed to keep the kids from yelling about the lady in the sombrero long enough to open the window and snap the picture. I want my attention, dammit. So I plurked it again, thinking that the auto-thumbnail/super awesome media sharing features would help. Also, I threatened them, which never hurts. It worked.

Then some douche comes along and says it is racist. What the fuck. Hey, it isn’t about the national origin of the hat, it is about the hat being worn on the trails along the joggers and assorted stepfords.

See? Equally as funny, if badly executed photo editing.

It’s about seeing something unexpected and being reminded that life isn’t boring, if you pay attention.  So suck on that, overly sensitive, politically correct assholes.

Tags: attentionwhore, sombrero, suburbs, plurk, twitter, bleh

“The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, something to hope for.”

At least that is according to the magnet someone randomly stuck up by register 2 at work.

Maybe its just ‘cause I’m lazy but I figured that 3 things were just too much work and that the world would be a much happier place in a much quicker time if those 3 essentials could all be boiled down into one.

After about a half a minute of thought between customers, I decided that blogging could cover it all.

1.  Something to DO

Once upon a time people went to work and worked there and when they came home they had hobbies.  They did such thrilling things as stamp collecting or building tiny ships in glass bottles.  Sometimes they made moonshine in their bathtubs or grew perfectly seasoned larvae infested cheeses in their basements.

Then bad things happened.  E-mail meant fewer stamps, alcohol was legalized again, shrink rays were invented to miniaturize huge ships to tiny bottle sizes, and reality televison shows claimed all the maggot infested cheeses for their programs.

All of a sudden there as nothing left to do, except watch those same reality shows or playing World of Warcraft.

Then blogging was born and we were never without anything to DO again.  When worse comes to worse you can create a blog about how you have nothing to do.  Or even better, if you have nothing to do you can blog about what your kids do or your pets do.

See…something to do = blogging = happiness.

2.  Something to LOVE.

This one was even easier.

In order to keep a blog you must have some degree of self love.  You must love to talk about yourself, and you must assume that everyone else loves you so much that they want to read about all your thoughts, dreams, opinions and what you had for breakfast.

You love watching your stats climb.  You love getting comments.  You love the love that your loving minions give you comments.  You love that strangers now know what you had for breakfast.

Yourself = Something to love = happiness

3.  Something to Hope For

When you start a blog you have hopes.  You hope to get readers, to get comments, to be internet famous.  You join social networking sites and shitty blog clubs in hopes to get more readers.  You open a cafepress account in hopes that people will buy stuff related to your blog.  You put google ads on your blog in hopes that you’ll make so much money blogging that you can quit your day job.

And, according to the quote I read, where there is hope, there is also happiness.

So there you go, the Grand Essential of Happiness is BLOGGING.

If you’re not ready for that level of happiness you can settle for some mild contentment by posting in the FORUMS.

I guess I will.

Although, nothing might have been an improvement.

There has been talk of a Hot Blogger Calendar. I don’t think I have to tell you what kind of bad idea this is. That is unless they plan to use those cutie little chics that all of the bloggers seem use on their themes. It’s been my assumption that in real life most bloggers are… big. I’m not sure why that might be, but it more often than not it holds true.

But who I am I to criticize, have your contest, I don’t care. Monty even nominated me. I promise that if I win and have to go to New York for a professional photo-shoot for my pictures, that I will send a copy of the calendar to all of you. Yes, that is a threat, but I don’t think that one vote is gonna cut it.

I should make a Shitty Blogger Calendar. Or worse yet, a Girls of Shitty Blogs Club Gone Wild! calendar. Yes, that is also a threat.

I am sick of hating my job. I think I should get new one. If you know anyone that is looking for a brilliant, but grumpy Network Admin/Engineer please let me know.

I think we need some new members. And then we should trick them into signing up for Survivor and then we could get them to do stupid shit for our amusement. And by “we” and “our,” I mean “I” and “Mine.”

In other news, there is no other news. But it seemed like a good segue into plugging the forums. All the cool kids post in the forums. At least they would if they weren’t such lazy fuckers. Other plugs and promotional type shit: Listen to Shitty Blog Radio, every Thursday around 10-ish PM EST. Buy Shitty Brand Merchandise. And You too can buy a Shitty Blogs Club Contributor, just email me at questions@shittyblogsclub.net and tell me what you have to offer.

Fuck you all and have a good holiday weekend.

Be Proud. Be Shitty!

I have issues.

I know, talk about stating the obvious. It’s what I do, I look around, see what I see and then blurt it out as though no one else can see it.

Amongst the many issues is this one: I can’t stand to be alone. Now add this one: I hate people. Man am I fucked.

It is this juxtaposition of issues that drove me to look for social interaction on the Internet in the first place. This goes back to the early 90’s. I discovered usenet. What a great idea, I thought. People from all over can ‘gather’ to discuss common interests. The first post I made (probably in some Pink Floyd.alt.alt.dumb kind of thread) was flamed by some stupid know-it-all, stoner loser. I guess my post didn’t measure up to his expectations.

The same pattern followed for Bulletin Boards, Chat Rooms, and just about everything on Internet. Even the porn was disappointing.

I always think the Internet will be the perfect answer to this the need people/hate people thing. You’d think that on the web, without the constraints of class, economy and geography, that you’d be able to find a group of people that ‘fit in’ with.

As a rule, I’ve failed miserable in that regard.

Every time I think that I’ve found something that will allow me to interact with other people, it turns out that those people are as narrow minded, boring and general stupid (or more so) than the people I have to deal with in the real world.

And any of you that want to tell me that I could make it work if I wanted to are simply missing the point. Of course I could behave like a complete moron and fit in with the rest of them, but that’s not what I’m looking for at all.

So I sit here and work on my Shitty Blog Sites and make believe that if I control the rules that it will give me what I want. But we all know better.

So despite my social networking, my email contacts, IM contacts, twitter friends and blog buddies when I am feeling alone and want some one to talk… there’s nobody there.

Damn I love the Internet.

Be Proud. Be Shitty!

It’s a new month and I’m still updating this thing. Will wonders never cease?

Not only that, our very own Monty contributed a dissertation on The Ironic Nature of Blogging in Regards to Self Pity and the Public Display Thereof. Or maybe it was a manifesto on The Duality of Human Nature, Specifically on How the Grass is much less Annoying on My Side of the Fence. Or maybe it was something else altogether… I’m not sure, you’d have to ask someone who actually read it.

We are now up to like a dozen members. Go us. At this rate we will complete the first phase of our take over of the internet by the turn of the millennium.

Maybe someday, I’ll actually update my blog. And maybe someday Mango will learn to put his hostility aside and love other people. Anything is possible.

Rumor has it that we have more posts in the works from other Contributors. I know, the excitement is over whelming. Do your best to control it.

In other news: Blogging still sucks and so does twitter. a-[e] still hates everything. And Shitty Blog Radio is live most Thursday Nights at 10 PM EST (or so.) Okay, none of that is really news, but it seemed like a half subtle way to get some cross promotion in there.

Here’s something I bet you didn’t know. Every once in a while, in the wee hours of the night, Mango feels remorse for the many blog posts he’s deleted. Remorse for deleting them that is, not the shitty things he said. He feels no remorse about that at all.

Remember, only losers refuse to post in the forum.

Be Proud. Be Shitty!

I know I can’t be the only one out here with posts written that will never see the light of day.
Or posts that only get to live for a few minutes until they are disappeared.
This feels like one of those…or the other, maybe.

I value my friends - that includes my internet friends as well, of whom I have considerably more than the “real life” kind.
Many of you - MOST of you - I enjoy and I really like. A goodly number of you I love deeply and honestly, so much so that I would truly feel a void should you disappear from my life.
Seriously.

But lately I have been suffering from some bizarre (and vicious) anger and resentment.

And thus endeth the ‘making nice-nice’ portion of the post.

There is a tiny poison dart lodged in my heart, working its way in like a shard of glass, causing me to feel unhappy and aggravated and just plain ol’ MEAN.

Probably the internets are not the place for me to be when I feel this way - we all have our troubles, our angsty days (weeks, months), our complaints, our rants and bitingly pointed remarks.
Normally this isn’t a problem for me…I offer all those same things here and I’m always amazed at the level of support. I’m never arrogant enough to believe that I’m THE ONLY PERSON EVER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD who has had a particular feeling or thought. I’m not emo enough to think “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! How could you POSSIBLY know what I’m going through???”
I KNOW you relate to me. I KNOW I so often relate to you. We understand, we sympathize and we empathize.

But my tiny poison dart has…well, poisoned me…in thought and word.
I’m so tired of the everlovin’ complaining and bitching and all the people who are SO WILLING AND EAGER to take offense at the tiniest (and often out-of-context!) remark…I’m tired of the whiners and badgerers and the people who try to make everyone else feel small or uneducated or ignorant simply because they think about things in a different way.
I’m sick of the “EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN OPINION…except you’re wrong. And stupid. And sort of ugly” passive-aggressive games.

See? Internets are not for me, not in this mood.
Don’t get me wrong - I’m aware that I’M bitching. I’m complaining. I’ve lost my sympathy and my empathy and my “give a shit”.
I “own” that.
And you know what else? I’m sick of THAT too. What the hell does that even mean…”I own it”??
If it’s part of your mind-set, your character, your flaws and issues…guess what? You ALREADY owned it. It belongs to you.
What you’re doing - and believe me, I think it’s quite admirable of you - is acknowledging the problem, recognizing it for what it is and how it affects you. You’re not “owning” it. It’s not like it’s something you can sell - and PS who the hell would want to buy that anyway? You know you’d throw it away if you could.
OWN THIS, bitch.
YEAH.

I acknowledge my hypocrisy. I recognize my resentment. I admit my inability to quell the bubbling ick that rises inside me every time some poor blogger stubs his or her toe and people fall all over themselves fawning about it. I confess that I roll my eyes and get unreasonably agitated when I read a blog post that sounds familiar …and I realize that the person re-works the same basic post at least once a month but never gets past the typing to actually DO something about all the problems they’ve “owned”.
I concede that I have not been at all likeable lately, especially on Twitter where all my random and nasty thoughts find a home - several times a day.

I profess that I hate reading posts and tweets about how you’ve got it so fucking bad because you can only afford ONE week of vacation in the south of France this year or you have to spend the weekend getting massaged and spa-ed to recover from your laborious week of…living. I get irritated when I read how upset you are because you broke that manicured nail rushing to get to your “tweet up” or night out with the girls/boys and your babysitter was FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES LATE and your kid had a fever but you felt you needed to go out anyway for some “me” time.
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.

All that stuff you complain about? Not a SINGLE THING WRONG WITH IT.
It’s me. I wish I had some explanation as to WHY it’s so bothersome for me just now.
Time to step away from the ‘net, THAT much I’ve got figured out.
I know it’s not fair to let MY issue be crawling all over YOUR issues like that.
NOT.FAIR. I get it. I…”own” it. heh.

Actually I think it’s not the bitching so much as it is what people bitch about, time and time again.
Second verse same as the first. And third. And twelve. And seven hundred and forty-fifth.
Yes, that’s seriously judgmental and none of my business, really.
I’m aware of that.

I get pissed when people do NOTHING BUT complain about their miserable lives…and again, they SHOULD complain if they need to (like ME, just now, O! THE IRONY!).
But sometimes I just don’t get people… I don’t get them at all. It seems they’re overwhelmed at everything, by everything, and can’t function unless they have sympathy and lots of people slavering over them all the time.
Then, it seems, they manage to function just fine & dandy.

That’s when I start thinking all The Evil stuff. Like the pain I live with daily but I don’t talk about because it is what it is and if I think about it all the time and TALK about it all the time, it hurts a lot more. Like my back that always aches like a rotten tooth and how I re-injure it frequently because my 13-year-old 75lb “infant” son has to be lifted in & out of the bathtub and the wheelchair and the car and he has to be carried and moved and so on and so forth.
Like how I feel like a complete moron for talking about the minutiae of my daily life which DOES get quite overwhelming…because when I post about it the first thing I think is “OH SHIT, now everyone is going to feel sorry for me and pity me and IT ISN’T ABOUT THAT AT ALL”.

Stop reading now. Really. I mean it. Go do something productive, like read a book or play some WoW or King.com or neopets.
SERIOUSLY.

Because I really don’t want advice on “things I can do to make it better”.
No offense.
It’s just that I’ve heard it, and you know what? I’d love to take all those wonderful suggestions. I’d LOVE to. But there isn’t time or money or…time. Or availability. Or the desire to do a few of those pampering things that girls so love to do.
Well, other girls. Except me.
To me, sometimes those things are just like work. I don’t WANT to lock myself in the bathroom for two hours every Saturday to give myself an at home beauty treatment. I couldn’t care one whit less about that.
I don’t like shopping. Even if I COULD afford it, which I can’t. I don’t have the inclination to sit in a chair for two hours getting a manicure & pedicure. Doesn’t interest me.

See, I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m really glad that doing that sort of thing makes you happy and relaxed. I’m really glad that you can indulge yourself with those things that lift you up.

It’s just not for me.
Now you’re thinking, “Well hell, if you just want to sit around and wallow and not TRY to do anything about it, screw you & you deserve whatever you get. Or don’t get. Whatever. FINE.”

Don’t lie; I saw the eyeroll. I TOLD you to stop reading, didn’t I?

Lookit, my life is hard. My son’s extreme and multiple handicaps make it difficult for me to get out. Or GO out….like on a date. Or with the girls. Or whatever
Also my low tolerance for people comes into play - so don’t think I’m blaming my kids.

I do not blame or resent my kids - or ANYONE else - for a single thing I “don’t get” to do. Or any of the tough things that I “have” to do every day.

I am Mother, and it’s my job. I don’t take it lightly or for granted.
In fact, I don’t think about it much at all - we do what’s got to be done and we do it with love in our hearts.

Sure, I’d like to be able to just hop in the car and go to the park.
Or call a convenient babysitter to come on over so I can take in a movie or dinner with a friend.
I can’t. So I don’t fret over it.

My son is too heavy to just toss in the car & go. As for babysitters who are qualified (or willing, even) to take care of him?
About zero, at least around here.
My mom takes care of them during the week while I’m at work & doesn’t like to watch them on weekends.

I’m okay with that, too. I don’t usually miss the not doing things.
Until I read some post about “how I had to miss a night of drunken revelry and a possible gang-bang -woo!- because my hair was flat and I just couldn’t make it”.

If you think you’re hearing some envy…well, I wouldn’t say you’re wrong. Sometimes I AM envious of certain people-albeit briefly.
Because there are some for whom things just always work out perfectly… and quite often (not always, but frequently) those people are the most giant assholes on the planet.
I’m not saying that assholes deserve to have bad things happen, I’m just saying that it often seems as though they’re the ones getting the GOOD stuff. Over and over again.

It’s not a pissing contest - I’m not trying to prove my balls are bigger than YOUR balls (although they are) and that my problems are more important or worse than yours (again, they are)…I’m just saying that I have PLENTY of shit to complain and bitch and moan and groan about, but I try to keep it to a minimum. Some people make a living off it. Some people just live to DO the whining. I choose not to focus on it all the fucking time. If I can suck it up and deal, then YOU should be able to do the same.

I’m not going to apologize for how I feel; after all, I “OWN” my feelings, right? They’re an inimical part of me but we have to share the living space and try to get along.

And maybe to you, this whole big long-ass thing that keeps going ON and ON and ON reads like a giant pity-party or a trip to Bitter-ville…
You might think that I’m unhappy with my life or suffer all-consuming regrets or that I am malcontent.
If that’s the case, you really DON’T get me.

Did I mention I lost my “give a shit”?

You fuckers are stubborn. Or maybe just lazy. Or perhaps mildly brain damaged. It’s hard to tell.

Seriously, you need to sign up. I don’t care if you’ve always been a member, click on the Register link and sign up again.

Come on, Mango signed up again, so did SEV. Hell, a-[e] even registered. I think you can too.

I’ve given up all hope that these shitty fuckers are actually going to contribute any content. Is any one really surprised?

Me either.

The Blogathon didn’t really happen this year. There was a less Day of Blogs thing, but the Blogathon that has happened every year did not this year. Of course, after the cluster fuck that is was last year, it doesn’t really surprise me.

Yet, staying up all night. Blogging 48 meaningless posts. Raising money… at least getting a lot of people to say that they will give money (collecting is trickier.) I kind of miss it. Hell, I should organize something like that. We could call it the Shit A Thon.

Or not… that is likely to give people the wrong idea. On the other hand a shit a thon might be more interesting. How about Shitty Blogs Club Up ALL Night. That could work. I don’t think I have it in me to do a charity event. I could raise some money to give this shitty blog some ducats to run on. Hell, if I had money we could offer real prizes.

It’s nothing I’m ready to do yet, but perhaps this winter.

Also, against my better judgment, I’m thinking about Shitty Blog Survivor Year 3. It will suck extra this time. Look for it in October.

The cool kids all hang at the forum. The really cool ones listen to Shitty Blog Radio.

Be Proud. Be Shitty!