I know I can’t be the only one out here with posts written that will never see the light of day.
Or posts that only get to live for a few minutes until they are disappeared.
This feels like one of those…or the other, maybe.

I value my friends - that includes my internet friends as well, of whom I have considerably more than the “real life” kind.
Many of you - MOST of you - I enjoy and I really like. A goodly number of you I love deeply and honestly, so much so that I would truly feel a void should you disappear from my life.
Seriously.

But lately I have been suffering from some bizarre (and vicious) anger and resentment.

And thus endeth the ‘making nice-nice’ portion of the post.

There is a tiny poison dart lodged in my heart, working its way in like a shard of glass, causing me to feel unhappy and aggravated and just plain ol’ MEAN.

Probably the internets are not the place for me to be when I feel this way - we all have our troubles, our angsty days (weeks, months), our complaints, our rants and bitingly pointed remarks.
Normally this isn’t a problem for me…I offer all those same things here and I’m always amazed at the level of support. I’m never arrogant enough to believe that I’m THE ONLY PERSON EVER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD who has had a particular feeling or thought. I’m not emo enough to think “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! How could you POSSIBLY know what I’m going through???”
I KNOW you relate to me. I KNOW I so often relate to you. We understand, we sympathize and we empathize.

But my tiny poison dart has…well, poisoned me…in thought and word.
I’m so tired of the everlovin’ complaining and bitching and all the people who are SO WILLING AND EAGER to take offense at the tiniest (and often out-of-context!) remark…I’m tired of the whiners and badgerers and the people who try to make everyone else feel small or uneducated or ignorant simply because they think about things in a different way.
I’m sick of the “EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN OPINION…except you’re wrong. And stupid. And sort of ugly” passive-aggressive games.

See? Internets are not for me, not in this mood.
Don’t get me wrong - I’m aware that I’M bitching. I’m complaining. I’ve lost my sympathy and my empathy and my “give a shit”.
I “own” that.
And you know what else? I’m sick of THAT too. What the hell does that even mean…”I own it”??
If it’s part of your mind-set, your character, your flaws and issues…guess what? You ALREADY owned it. It belongs to you.
What you’re doing - and believe me, I think it’s quite admirable of you - is acknowledging the problem, recognizing it for what it is and how it affects you. You’re not “owning” it. It’s not like it’s something you can sell - and PS who the hell would want to buy that anyway? You know you’d throw it away if you could.
OWN THIS, bitch.
YEAH.

I acknowledge my hypocrisy. I recognize my resentment. I admit my inability to quell the bubbling ick that rises inside me every time some poor blogger stubs his or her toe and people fall all over themselves fawning about it. I confess that I roll my eyes and get unreasonably agitated when I read a blog post that sounds familiar …and I realize that the person re-works the same basic post at least once a month but never gets past the typing to actually DO something about all the problems they’ve “owned”.
I concede that I have not been at all likeable lately, especially on Twitter where all my random and nasty thoughts find a home - several times a day.

I profess that I hate reading posts and tweets about how you’ve got it so fucking bad because you can only afford ONE week of vacation in the south of France this year or you have to spend the weekend getting massaged and spa-ed to recover from your laborious week of…living. I get irritated when I read how upset you are because you broke that manicured nail rushing to get to your “tweet up” or night out with the girls/boys and your babysitter was FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES LATE and your kid had a fever but you felt you needed to go out anyway for some “me” time.
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.

All that stuff you complain about? Not a SINGLE THING WRONG WITH IT.
It’s me. I wish I had some explanation as to WHY it’s so bothersome for me just now.
Time to step away from the ‘net, THAT much I’ve got figured out.
I know it’s not fair to let MY issue be crawling all over YOUR issues like that.
NOT.FAIR. I get it. I…”own” it. heh.

Actually I think it’s not the bitching so much as it is what people bitch about, time and time again.
Second verse same as the first. And third. And twelve. And seven hundred and forty-fifth.
Yes, that’s seriously judgmental and none of my business, really.
I’m aware of that.

I get pissed when people do NOTHING BUT complain about their miserable lives…and again, they SHOULD complain if they need to (like ME, just now, O! THE IRONY!).
But sometimes I just don’t get people… I don’t get them at all. It seems they’re overwhelmed at everything, by everything, and can’t function unless they have sympathy and lots of people slavering over them all the time.
Then, it seems, they manage to function just fine & dandy.

That’s when I start thinking all The Evil stuff. Like the pain I live with daily but I don’t talk about because it is what it is and if I think about it all the time and TALK about it all the time, it hurts a lot more. Like my back that always aches like a rotten tooth and how I re-injure it frequently because my 13-year-old 75lb “infant” son has to be lifted in & out of the bathtub and the wheelchair and the car and he has to be carried and moved and so on and so forth.
Like how I feel like a complete moron for talking about the minutiae of my daily life which DOES get quite overwhelming…because when I post about it the first thing I think is “OH SHIT, now everyone is going to feel sorry for me and pity me and IT ISN’T ABOUT THAT AT ALL”.

Stop reading now. Really. I mean it. Go do something productive, like read a book or play some WoW or King.com or neopets.
SERIOUSLY.

Because I really don’t want advice on “things I can do to make it better”.
No offense.
It’s just that I’ve heard it, and you know what? I’d love to take all those wonderful suggestions. I’d LOVE to. But there isn’t time or money or…time. Or availability. Or the desire to do a few of those pampering things that girls so love to do.
Well, other girls. Except me.
To me, sometimes those things are just like work. I don’t WANT to lock myself in the bathroom for two hours every Saturday to give myself an at home beauty treatment. I couldn’t care one whit less about that.
I don’t like shopping. Even if I COULD afford it, which I can’t. I don’t have the inclination to sit in a chair for two hours getting a manicure & pedicure. Doesn’t interest me.

See, I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m really glad that doing that sort of thing makes you happy and relaxed. I’m really glad that you can indulge yourself with those things that lift you up.

It’s just not for me.
Now you’re thinking, “Well hell, if you just want to sit around and wallow and not TRY to do anything about it, screw you & you deserve whatever you get. Or don’t get. Whatever. FINE.”

Don’t lie; I saw the eyeroll. I TOLD you to stop reading, didn’t I?

Lookit, my life is hard. My son’s extreme and multiple handicaps make it difficult for me to get out. Or GO out….like on a date. Or with the girls. Or whatever
Also my low tolerance for people comes into play - so don’t think I’m blaming my kids.

I do not blame or resent my kids - or ANYONE else - for a single thing I “don’t get” to do. Or any of the tough things that I “have” to do every day.

I am Mother, and it’s my job. I don’t take it lightly or for granted.
In fact, I don’t think about it much at all - we do what’s got to be done and we do it with love in our hearts.

Sure, I’d like to be able to just hop in the car and go to the park.
Or call a convenient babysitter to come on over so I can take in a movie or dinner with a friend.
I can’t. So I don’t fret over it.

My son is too heavy to just toss in the car & go. As for babysitters who are qualified (or willing, even) to take care of him?
About zero, at least around here.
My mom takes care of them during the week while I’m at work & doesn’t like to watch them on weekends.

I’m okay with that, too. I don’t usually miss the not doing things.
Until I read some post about “how I had to miss a night of drunken revelry and a possible gang-bang -woo!- because my hair was flat and I just couldn’t make it”.

If you think you’re hearing some envy…well, I wouldn’t say you’re wrong. Sometimes I AM envious of certain people-albeit briefly.
Because there are some for whom things just always work out perfectly… and quite often (not always, but frequently) those people are the most giant assholes on the planet.
I’m not saying that assholes deserve to have bad things happen, I’m just saying that it often seems as though they’re the ones getting the GOOD stuff. Over and over again.

It’s not a pissing contest - I’m not trying to prove my balls are bigger than YOUR balls (although they are) and that my problems are more important or worse than yours (again, they are)…I’m just saying that I have PLENTY of shit to complain and bitch and moan and groan about, but I try to keep it to a minimum. Some people make a living off it. Some people just live to DO the whining. I choose not to focus on it all the fucking time. If I can suck it up and deal, then YOU should be able to do the same.

I’m not going to apologize for how I feel; after all, I “OWN” my feelings, right? They’re an inimical part of me but we have to share the living space and try to get along.

And maybe to you, this whole big long-ass thing that keeps going ON and ON and ON reads like a giant pity-party or a trip to Bitter-ville…
You might think that I’m unhappy with my life or suffer all-consuming regrets or that I am malcontent.
If that’s the case, you really DON’T get me.

Did I mention I lost my “give a shit”?